God asserts jurisdiction in Lay case

Houston, Texas, July 5 - In a legal maneuver that stunned courtroom observers today, the Lord God Almighty asserted jurisdiction in the trial of former Enron executive Kenneth Lay just days before his scheduled sentencing. Reverend Pat Robertson, the Almighty's official spokesman, explained God's reasoning to a press room packed with reporters. "God has seen how the American justice system mollycoddles white collar criminals and finds it unacceptable. The proper place for Mr. Lay is the great Gitmo in the sky." God, responding to reporters' shouted questions on his way to a campaign fundraiser in Tulsa, Oklahoma, stated simply "This one's mine."

Speculation about the political ramifications of the move swirled around the Bible Belt. Of particular interest is the impact on the future prospects of God's heir apparent, Jesus Christ. Ken Lay was said to have a close, personal relationship with Jesus, and some of Lay's closest political allies are known to regard Jesus Christ as their "Lord and savior." According to sources close to the Messiah, the Almighty's surprise decision has already exacerbated a rift that developed between mentor and protege some two thousand years ago over an incident in Judea. According to a neighbor in Virginia Beach, Virginia, Jesus had counted on God for support in a conflict with local rabbis, but "God just left him hanging."

Democrats scrambled to find a unified position on God's legal maneuver. Senator John Kerry of Massachusetts condemned God's assertion of authority as "yet another example of theocratic overreach" and urged God to return Mr. Lay to human jurisdiction. Fellow Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank, while condemning Mr. Lay's criminal actions in the Enron affair, made clear his objections to God's "holier-than-thou" approach to the matter. Such condemnations from representatives of Massachusetts are seen as carrying little weight in Heaven, however, as God has forsaken the Bay State ever since the state's legalization of gay marriage in 2003.