Gay marriage to the rescue again!

Don't you worry about those 2700+ American soldiers who have died in Iraq, or the hundreds of thousands of Iraqi civilians, or the fact that North Korea has the bomb and Iran may soon follow, or that Osama bin Laden is on the loose and the Taliban is resurgent in Afghanistan, or the fact that your incomes haven't been rising as fast as inflation and you have less job security now than you used to, or that you're losing your health care and your ability to send your kids to college, or that poverty is rising, or that our government can't protect protect you from natural disasters and doesn't bother to inspect containers coming into our ports for radioactive material, or that the government has completely lost control of spending and has allowed an explosion in the budget deficit, or that your representatives in Washington spend all of their time raising money from fat cat lobbyists and then turn around and let the corporations they represent write legislation that takes money from your pocket to line theirs, or that every time your president opens his mouth out pours a stream of lies, or that global temperatures are rising, glaciers are melting, forests are dying, and we're in danger of turning the earth into a hellish inferno within our lifetimes. No sir, don't you pay no never mind to those concerns, because...

THE GAYS ARE GOING TO DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE!

That's right, the New Jersey Supreme Court has just poked its nose into your very own private marriage and devalued it with its audacious claim that the legal rights conferred to you and your spouse ought not be denied to homosexual couples. That's right, and we have it on the authority of no less a legal scholar (and expert on the intricacies of the Constitution of the state of New Jersey and the string of legal precedents upon which the New Jersey Supreme Court's decision was based) than George Bush himself, who declares that

“Yesterday in New Jersey, we had another activist court issue a ruling that raises doubts about the institution of marriage,” and “I believe it’s [marriage is] a sacred institution that is critical to the health of our society and the well-being of families, and it must be defended.”

Yes, that darned activist court - which if you give him a few moments our President will explain to you has misinterpreted the New Jersey State Constitution Article 1, Paragraph 1's substantive due process and equal protection guarantees, not to mention its egregious stretching of the plain language contained in the 1992 amendment to the New Jersey Law Against Discrimination and its inappropriate application of its three-pronged approach to equal protection claims - has gone so far as to direct the state legislature (!) to find an appropriate remedy for this alleged act of discrimination against homosexuals. Does their audacity know no bounds?

So by all means, let us heed the call to arms to defend this sacred institution against those miscreants, Mark Lewis and Dennis Winslow, who on the flimsy excuse of having been together in a committed relationship for ten years now have the sheer gall to demand that the State of New Jersey permit them to enjoy the legal, financial, and social benefits that they would have if one of them was a woman! Surely we can all agree that if these two gentlemen are granted these rights, that the sacredness of my normal marriage and the well-being of my normal family has been reduced proportionately!

Oh, and please try to forget that you were asked to man the barricades against gay marriage two years ago at this time as well, yet within a week of his reelection our president announced the top priorities for his second term and his list did not include reference to gay marriage; and that here we sit two years later no closer to a national ban; and that our leaders who you help reelect snicker and call you crackpots behind your backs.

And the sad thing is, it might just work.